The day I woke up mad

It was last Friday morning. I’m a morning person. I love the mornings and rarely hit the snooze button, or want to lay around in bed. But on Friday, I woke up MAD. I don’t know why I was mad, I don’t remember having a bad dream. I didn’t go to bed upset or mad, but I had this stirring in my soul that was undeniably mad. I wasn’t anxious or sad. I was MAD. It was 5:00 am. I got out of bed and went through my morning routine. I wrote my gratitude list and my 6 most important things to do. I wrote down my goals and completed my daily devotional. I felt better, that mad feeling had ebbed a little, but it was still there, just under the surface.

Part of my morning routine is to text my friend Chelsey with my goals and gratitude.  It’s our accountability system we implemented so we don’t lose our way. I hadn’t texted her in a few days, simply out of laziness.  But on Friday I texted her a picture, along with the text “I’ve been wallowing in my unhealthy 9 all week.  Woke up today PISSED OFF.” (Translation: I’m an Enneagram 3, and when I am stressed/emotionally unhealthy, I start to take on all the unhealthy aspects of an Enneagram 9.  Look it up, it’s so intriguing.)

Chelsey lives in Arizona and we have a 3 hour time difference so when she finally awoke, I immediately received the reply “I wondered where the hell you were!  Call me!”

The first thing she said to me was “You’re mad because you are playing small”.

Whoa…girl!  I’m an ACHIEVER.  I get shizz done.  I’m a go-big or go-home kinda gal. I don’t play small. But wait, do I? I have a beautiful paid for house, a husband who loves me for who I am, four productive and achieving children, the perfect grandchild, two adorable dogs, a job that provides me health insurance and a 401k. I’m comfortable. And guess what…no one who is comfortable is playing big. 

Don’t get me wrong, all of those things are amazing, and I am incredibly grateful for all I have!  God has provided for me in so many ways.  But comfortable is NOT playing big.  Comfortable is NOT what God intended for me, or my life.  Was that madness stirring in my soul this morning the Holy Spirit saying “SUSAN!  What in the world are you doing?  You have a good 25 years left to do MORE!  To make an impact, to bring Me glory, to live out the life I have intended for you?”  

My response – ok, yeah, I see what you are saying. My bookshelf and audible account look like the self-help section of a Barnes & Noble.  I’ve read it all.  And yeah, I get it.  Because playing big requires me to be uncomfortable.  And that’s hard, so yeah, ok. Maybe.

I got back to work, marinating on what she said to me, and the truth of it. I REALLY don’t want to be uncomfortable. 

Two hours later, I meet a longtime friend, Tracey, who I hadn’t spoken to in about 8 years (because we let life get in the way of the important things like friendships!) for coffee.  We caught up on all the kids and what’s going on in our lives. Then she says to me “Susan, do you ever feel like you are just made for so much more than the comfortable place you are in?”

Wait…WHAT?  We haven’t spoken in 8 years, and you are going to see right through me and call me out on it?  Right here in the coffee shop?! Cue the tears…right there in the coffee shop!  (Side note:  Enneagram 3’s only want to achieve and don’t like to talk about their feelings.  We avoid it at all costs. I will show you exactly what I want you to see, and it will appear perfect. Welcome to the life of a 3.)

OK, God!  I see you, and I see what you are doing here!  I know I have a thick skull and am hard to reach, because I always think I know best.  So thank you for slapping me in the face with it AGAIN in one day.  Stop being comfortable.

All Friday afternoon I thought about playing small and what playing BIG in my life would look like.  I’m not sure to be honest.  I spent so much of my life supporting others to play big in their life.  I don’t know what that means for me.

I went to bed with lots of unanswered questions, but excited for the future.  I woke up at 3:30 am Saturday morning with my mind spinning about what this all means. I couldn’t settle my brain to fall back asleep, so I really knew that I had to do something about this stirring.  No longer sitting in this comfortableness.  No longer waking up mad because I am playing small.

I don’t know EXACTLY what that will look like in my life, but I know something is coming.  Something big is coming.  Something that some of you will say, “That’s ridiculous, Susan. You can’t do that.”

Watch me.

Are you living in your comfortableness and feeling like there is so much more?  Comment below if you are tired of playing small, let me know I’m not alone!